The Face only a mother could love

For those who haven’t been to my parents place for a couple of years(or ever). A quick feline update:
Sam, the white cat: Death by meteor, Ford Meteor(sadly I was at the wheel).

Matilda: run over by car, not me(thankfully).

Cleopatra, a cat with Egyptian make-up: died due to spider a bite.

Ruth: Sadly still alive.



Cats, like people, have individual personalities. Some cats are soft and beautiful, snuggling up to people as they sit in front of the TV. Some cats are fast, frisky, and erratic in their behaviour. However some cats, like some people, are just plain losers. (I was thinking about so many others terms here, but I’m going for a G to PG rating) Going back through the list of cats….

Sam: Was a beautiful little fluff ball. He may have been brain damaged, but he just loved all creatures. A couple of quick stories… He used to sit out the front and giant dogs would come and threaten to maul his little body, in the way dogs do, all bark, growl and drool. Sam was so brain damaged that these large carnivores would get bored and walk away before Sam would even react. I would regularly, and confidently, leave my two mice crawling all over him. One of my school mates actually thought Sam was a statue for several years, as he had never seen Sam in a different location… For those who were concerned about the mice, they never got eaten.

Matilda: A very affectionate little cat, with an odd habit of sucking on people’s necks. I was not warned about this, and was awoken one morning to a very disturbing sensation. Enough on that….DEE..STIR..BING

Cleo: According to dad…”There was nothing wrong with Cleo. The perfect Cat” Nuff said me thinks.. However..for those in the know…Take that Thomas…(smile)


Now, or meow, that the scene is set.

Come with me if you will to present day. I once again have been asked to watch the house, and all the little hairy people contained within. Thus, the rant actually begins here.

I have no problem with the rat, he’s a pleasant little chap. However, I shan’t be keeping Algernon on my shoulder as I do the housework. Nor have I any problems with either Winnie nor Baz. Yes, they are big, smelly, and Winnie bites, literally, I’ve been bitten many times myself. Winnie does care about her people a lot, she likes to be near them, she just doesn’t like to be told to get out at night…well, told to do anything at all really. As long as things are on her terms everything runs smoothly. Shock news to animal pushovers people rule over animals. We just do. Opposable phalanges, otherwise known as thumbs, are a testament to the human mastery. ( If you feel shocked and/or horrified over the idea of Human mastery please email, and we shall discuss in greater detail. I might even use pictures) Baz on the other hand is a boofhead a big loveable, Border Collie sized lapdog, but a boofhead none the less. No issues there..

It’s the cat that is the problem. Ruth be her name, or as I call her, Golem. Truly the ugliest fluffball on the planet. It’s not that she attacks you when you’re not looking, for we all know, I’d enjoy that. It’s not that she defecates in annoying places. Although, she does in the washbasins of any given bathroom of my parent’s house. (Feel like washing your hands anyone?) The problem is she’s a timid cat.. the worst kind. You know that they’re always out planning something. Golem has my old man twisted around her finger. My parents often don’t go away because dad, the big softy he is, is afraid that Golem will turn into a cabbage without his love and affection.

Maybe Golem is just a two person cat. I can dig that. I’ll also submit to the suggestion that perhaps the extra noise that surrounds me is a little disturbing for a small hairy Golem. (Amanda often makes helpful suggestions how to curb this noise for good instead of evil). Call me old fashioned. But, if a cats not up to being, dragged around the room by it’s tail, rubbed with a balloon for static charging, slid around on it’s back till both the cat and catter are dizzy, then there is no point in having the cat at all.

For those of you wanting closure on this particular line of thoughts....
Heres a conselation prize.

Today’s Word wealth

Why Golem? Big Eyes and Ugly, colours also not helping the cause.

Fluffball? Yes, yes they are.

Boofhead? I was surprised but this was in my spell check, no options for a synonym thou’.

Meteor? Fast little black thing

Cabbage? A type of vegetable, Not favourable/not to go favourably

Algernon? Needs flowers. Sad story…